Wish I could tell you…….
(BY :- RITIKA UPMANYU )
So yeah!! Here I am, the boy who always ran away from his feelings, who never took anything seriously, for whom feelings was just like a joke or a funny thing, who never followed his heart. Even I don’t know why it was so hard for me accept my own feelings.
Let’s just not talk about me or any other person because right now, in this moment, I am all yours. I am writing this for you to express you what I never told you before that yes! I am a shitty guy but still I do care for you, I do. I still remember the day I messaged you for the first time and what a damn weird question I asked you “Hey, do you know me personally?” (I still can’t stop laughing). Alright I am sorry for asking the weirdest question ever.
I didn’t mean anything from that because I am just like another teenage guy who received a friend request from a girl, so I just thought to give it a try. Well!! You replied and I really don’t know what made you give me a reply!! As I always said I never took anything seriously in my life. We talked for days, for hours and then with every passing day we became close as friends.
I still didn’t take you as seriously you took me because you were just like another girl whom I was talking. Days passed, months passed our friendship became strong but still we were still afraid to talk in person and as you know even after talking for 4 months on Facebook we never tried to talk in person. I don’t know what kind of weirdness came between us but yeah, I was still cool with that because yes you were just like a quotidian girl in my life and not an exceptional one.
But the time came, and everything changed when you started falling for me. I still don’t know why you ever fell for me. For a guy like me. Yes, I did cliche talks with you, I flirted with you but were those the only reason you fall for me? At that time, I didn’t bother me I don’t know why but I felt like I did a great job by flirting with someone.
I even flaunted myself in front of my friends that yes there is a girl who is dying for me and you got added in the list of girls who were mad about me. You, at the same moment was lost in your own fantasy world where you even imagined us together living a happily-ever-after.
Yes, I know you, I understood in the way no one else can like how frequently you got your mood swings, what sentences you used to tell everyone where u was angry. I never cared about what you feel and why you feel because I was lost in my own world where I was the king and there were so many queens like you moribund to talk to me. I never thought you would become a bigger problem in my life after some time.
I started ignoring you, your texts just to prove that I am so cool, and some girl is dying for me, I took you for granted to satisfy my ego and attitude.After some days, we completely lost the contact. You stopped messaging me because I always ignored your messages but still sometimes you did text me because now, I know that’s your love which never came between your self-respect.
Okay!! Okay!! Let me bring myself out of the nostalgia and tell you the thing I always wanted to tell you that now I am literally done with fighting with my emotions and feelings. The lie that I don’t give a fuck to your existence exhausted and broke me into million pieces. I really wish I could tell you that yes, your presence in my life mattered, you were someone who made me happy genuinely, on whom I can always count on.
You were the one who always cared about my smile and not about my looks, who loved me for who I am and not for what I show, who loved my soul. Whatever you felt for me was real, but I didn’t able to accept that reality. I never realized these things before because I was so lost in my so-called-teenage-life and in becoming a super cool boy who don’t give a dam to anyone’s feelings. The worst thing about me is that I always acknowledged your love but never accepted it. I never realized that your feelings were important and were my responsibility.
I always tried to run away from reality because yes, I did care about what this so-called world would say if I open in front of them. What will happen if I accept you or talk to you in front of them? Yes, I was afraid of those gossips, those comments other people make but still you were the kind of person who never stopped loving me, without caring about anything or anyone.
I can never feel the pain you felt, I can’t return those tears which you shed, I can’t give you back those moments of happiness which you wasted because of me. Even after passing my teenage, my attitude didn’t change coz yes I am a boy and yes this society taught us to act strong even if we are not we have to act like that otherwise we would become the so called victim and that will definitely spoil the ego of this male dominating society.
We always must run away from our emotions just to act strong. The fact doesn’t go to defend me in any way because I know what I did to you was wrong. I disrespected you by my actions. At that time, I thought you were not the most beautiful girl, but I forgot that you are the girl most beautiful heart. Maybe my small ignorance towards reality created this whole mess and separated us.
I don’t know why I am writing all of this now even after knowing the fact that reality is never going to change because this time You are gone!! Gone!! For forever! For real. This is no less reason to hate myself because I made you suffered so much. I never realized that all you want was LOVE and instead of that all I gave you was HATE. And I guess that’s the only reason which made me write this is to you in your absence. The fact that I will never able to see you again bothered me. I felt numb and helpless like everything stopped in front of me. Today I felt the pain you felt for years. There was a time when your presence didn’t bother me but now your absence is making me feel like my world has come upside down and I lost everything in my life.
I remember all the beautiful moments we spent together as a friend or more than just a friend but yes those are the only memories of you, I am left with.
I know that for you also these memories are the only reason to love me after all I did to you. You are the only one who expressed your love and I was the only one who disregarded those feelings just to maintain my ego. I just want to say that my apologies are not going to work now but yes, you changed me. I can’t fake myself even more. The pain I felt transformed me into a better person which you always want me to become who accepts his feelings, respect relationships.
Yes, it’s true that we never realize the actual importance of the person until we see that they are gone from our lives!!
Your death took away your presence but you’re still alive in my heart. The place you have in my life, I am not going to share it with anyone. But still if this universe gives me a second chance to hold your hand, I promise I will never leave your hand because now I know what you meant to me. And now again I am expecting the most impractical thing.
It’s not only the person who motivates us but sometimes it’s their memories which do work in their absence.
So, now I’m going to follow your memories to become the person you always want me to become. You are immortal in my heart.
And so, at last I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THAT YES!! I LOVE YOU!!!……….BUT I COULDN’T….